Emotions

I have had a tough week.  Some days I just literally do not know how to handle the emotions that I feel and strangely some days I can't even explain the emotions I feel.  Like I have to analyze every thought and then all of a sudden I realize "ok I'm angry"  or "I'm desperate".  It sounds so silly, especially seeing it written out and my emotions aren't that black and white, a mixture really but I have never in my life felt some of them so intensely to where I want to scream or sob out loud.  I just literally cannot handle how I feel.  It isn't just emotions, it is almost like I have a physical reaction and literally feel all of these jumble feelings.  Some days when things hit me or say I see something that sparks a reminder (like I need to be reminded that Polly isn't here) I literally feel like someone punches me in the stomach.  Like that terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach when something has gone terribly wrong, but yet it is constant some times.  It literally makes me feel sick.  Today one of those reminders was hearing a baby cry in a car next to me while I was getting gas.  I never heard Polly cry, she never made a sound.  I think I heard a squeak as they lifted her off of my stomach right after she was born, but that was it.  No sound ever came out of her mouth, even the few times I saw her cry.  I go back and play those moments in the NICU, where one second we would be rejoicing in a "good day" and the next I would have huge crocodile tears plopping onto the yellow garment you had to wear at the bedside.  But I was told that many of those emotions I felt then were also hormones.  To be honest I couldn't tell what was hormones and what was the stress and fear of never bringing Polly home.  Hormones was an easy blame then, but I don't think I can say that now, almost 8 months later.  I do struggle, daily, sometimes hourly, to handle the path God has for my life.  I felt so sure the dreams in my head and the plans I had for Polly were the best ones.  God had another purpose for her life, one I am sure much bigger than mine.  Now trying to make it out in the "real world" I feel like I am in constant survival mode.  I have no control of my tears most days.  And then I struggle to even identify these new feelings that take over everything.  Like I can't concentrate on anything else.  May be I am still struggling with the terrible reality that my sweet baby is in Heaven and I realize so many things I am missing out on.  And sometimes it just hits me.  This is my life now.  I am living with the hope and faith I will see Polly again.  And may be in Heaven I will get the opportunity to raise her and see her in perfect health, both things on Earth that are not possible.  So I struggle, with the reality of all of this, with the emotions that make me feel physically ill, and with all the Why questions I ask God all the time.  I know I would never understand even if He could tell me now.  I ask out of desperation and through my tears to please continue to remember Whit and I in your prayers.  We need them like we need air.  Love to you all!

I survived

So Mother's Day was yesterday and as anticipated EXTREMELY hard.  I made it through it though.  I have dreaded that day since the day Polly left us.  You can't help but not feel like a mother, you have no precious child to take with you to church and take pictures with.  Although in my heart I know I am a mother, I took care of my baby as best as I could and Whit and I tried to make the best decisions for her, just like every parent does, but the decisions we were faced with are ones that parents have nightmares about.  Yesterday was filled with many tears and prayers, but also with lots of support from caring family, friends, and especially my absolutely wonderful husband.  I know I didn't respond to all of your texts and emails, but there was really nothing I could say.  All of your words helped to lift me up though.  Every day is hard, some are worse than others and these "special" days are some of the hardest.  From the advise of our counselor and also just thinking about what is best for us, we decided to not attend the Mother's Day service at our church.  I really do hate missing it, but sometimes I can't even muster up enough stableness (if that is even a word) to handle whatever it is we are attending.  And we LOVE our church family, they are some of our prayer warriors for sure, but still I just wish I could go and be a part of the celebration like other mothers, and may be that will get easier with time but right now I just can't.  But I know people understand.  Even the commercials get to me too, especially that Mother's Day Publix commercial!  Oh my goodness I was crying so hard when I saw that.  It got to Whit too and we saw it on separate occasions.  But anyways, I am honestly glad the anxiety is over and now we have a whole year to prepare for the next one.

Remembering Polly

I feel like it is my mission as Polly's mom to make sure no one forgets about her.  Although she was here for only a month, such a short time, and few people met her, I still want to talk about her and how she has changed our lives.  Parents always want to talk about their kids, no matter what age they are.  What else is more important in your life than your children?  Our problem is since Polly was a baby, since so few people got to know her, then no one can talk to us about her really.  It isn't like she was older and there are memories of her, not that that would make loosing a child easier.  I only mean other people could say "I remember when Polly did this...", but since she was a baby not only did most not see her tiny personality but so few people got to see her since we were 3+ hours away from our home.  There is also a misconception that people don't want to mention your baby because they are worried about upsetting us or may be about themselves getting upset.  Believe me, it brings joy to my heart when someone says Polly's name.  She is always on my mind, always in my heart.  What else do I have to talk about?  I have had friends or family say that something reminded them of Polly and how they had thought of her that day, and that completely just touches my heart.  Someone else thought of my baby today and that just makes me feel happy.  Since we never brought her home it is almost like she was never here.  When I first got home I had such a hard time because I felt like I was still pregnant and we were awaiting her arrival.  It was a sad day the first morning I woke up and was consciously aware that Polly had already been born and she was in Heaven.  A sad and yet comforting thought for me.  I didn't have to remind myself that day and every day since.  My belly was still big, her things were ready to be used, I still slept with my body pillow that helped me so many nights fall asleep while I carried her, but yet she was not here.  And since all I do is think about her, literally that is all I bring to the table conversation-wise, of course I love others to mention her and how she has changed their lives.  Yes Whit and I are sad, so utterly devastated missing our precious child, so if we cry when we speak of her it is because we are sad.  Someone bringing up Polly doesn't remind us that she is gone.  I literally fight back tears the majority of the day, I'm going to cry at some point, you just may or may not be there to witness it.  I also know so many people don't know what to do.  They want to do something for us, but the fact is no one can do anything.  I don't mean to make it sound like we don't appreciate things because we do.  Our friends and family have helped carry us with their support and prayers and even strangers have been so overwhelming supportive.  But there is nothing anyone can do to make the pain go away.  It won't ever go away, you just get used to it, atleast that is what I hear.  We will never be "better".  But it touches us so deeply, even enough to bring tears to our eyes, for someone to mention our baby, say her name, and tell us how she has touched their life.  We don't want anyone to ever forget that we have a very special daughter who we completely and wholeheartedly fell in love with.  She will forever remain close to our hearts.  And we ask that you, as our friends and family, help us carry on her memory and never forget her.