Dates

Some days I just hurt so bad.  Today is one of those days.  I am just so devastated that Polly isn't here.  I can't believe this time last year we were counting down the days to meet our baby.  In fact we were about to have our last shower that sweet friends hosted for us.  It was a really happy time of excitement and anticipation.  I wish I could go back to those days.  Before our lives became so heavy with grief.  I have pinpointed that I definitely have a problem with the world continuing to turn, dates continuing to happen, celebrations being planned, etc.  Call it selfish but I sometimes just can't take how normal the world around us is and it makes it very difficult for me to do some of those normal things when for us life is so far from normal.  All I do is compare to the last time that certain date rolled around I was pregnant, or the last time I went to a wedding was right before we found out we were expecting, etc......it is just hard and there is no getting around it.  I know it can't possibly be like this forever, but it often feels like it will be.  Right now I don't want the seasons to change or the holidays to happen......of course they will and of course the world can't stop because of our tragedy, tragedies happen every day unfortunately.  But since things don't stop, only your world stops, then you have to learn to adapt to the new normal, how to handle celebrations with your grief, how to handle the holidays again with your child not here.  It is a lot to take on and I am definitely not ready.  I want to fast forward through all of the hard days which starting in October are going to come one after the other.  Dates have never been something that really stood out to me, but if they did they were usually good.  You always remember your birthday, anniversary, holidays, etc......I had one bad date, January 4th, the day after my birthday is the angelversary of my mom who died of cancer when I was 6.  That date has always been bittersweet but since I was so young I can't remember what it was like before it had meaning.  Every year on my birthday I think of her and how the next day is a special and sad date.  Now I have so many dates.  It is overwhelming to think about.  That has just been on my heart a lot....wondering how parents who have lost make it on those dates and the days leading up to them.  I know we will survive, we've made it this far, but it won't make it any easier because we have been missing Polly all year. It is just going to be hard. 

10 months

Polly would have been 10 months today.  Every milestone I find it hard to believe that this happened.  The 11th is always hard for us, but now that we are getting so close to her 1st birthday, I just find our story unbelievable.  I just miss her so very much.  I can't even put it into words.  And I just hurt.  I still ask "Why?" and still don't understand.  I know God's plan is best and that if I knew what His plans are, I would always want that for my life, but it is such a difficult thing to digest, that your baby dying is part of God's plan.  Why?  I am also still surprised by the daily struggles we have.  I mean surprised because they still catch me off guard, those triggers that really get to me.  Being around little babies is very hard, almost impossible for me.  They represent what I could have had and how our lives were supposed to be blessed.   They are  dreams of a future that we will never have with Polly.  They are painful reminders of how unfortunate this is and what we are missing out on, which is the opportunity to love and raise the little baby God blessed us with.  I was in Target with a friend the other day and as we rounded a corner, there was a little family with a red-headed baby girl with them.  She had a sun dress on and a bow in her hair.  Luckily I kept my composure until we got out of the store, but as soon as we did, I lost it.  Why us?  Why our sweet Polly?   It doesn't take much and I am already very unstable with my emotions, but I am still just surprised when I don't see it coming. 

I am sure I sound like a broken record.  Always saying how sad we are, but that is the truth.  We are SO sad and miss Polly so badly it makes my chest ache.  Even if we are ok on the surface, she is constantly on our minds.  I feel like people think we should be over this by now.  That because we are going to work, being social, or seen out of our house, that we are ok.  And there are days we are just ok, but not better.  I have really struggled with this new normal that is still taking shape.  I've realized I've changed, I can't go back to who I was, and instead I struggle with trying to figure out this new feeling of normalcy.  I think I fight it the majority of the time, because it is easier for everyone else if we just stay the same.  The truth is something like this changes you and you just have to get to that new stable point.  I don't like that if I see a baby, or hear a baby, or see a baby item that I had for Polly that I cry.  I wish I could just keep it together and over time that will happen but right now I am not there yet.  And as I've said before it is very difficult being the parents who lost a child.  You get attention you never wanted.

So I have just been struggling with all of this, even so many months later.  I wish so badly things were different.  I wish she was here.  I wish I didn't know what this felt like.  I wish Whit didn't know what this felt like.  I wish grief didn't make you so selfish.  I wish even the smallest thing didn't upset me.  I wish people felt more comfortable around me.  I wish people could understand.  I wish this hadn't happened to us, to our baby.  I wish I could take a break from crying.   I wish we didn't have to live in a nightmare.  I have such a long list of wishes.  I know God hasn't forsaken us, that things will feel more normal one day, but getting there is very hard.  And there is no way we can be "better" until we have atleast gone through all the firsts.  Unfortunately we are still dealing with those and a lot of the big ones are coming up.  I should be thinking about birthday invitations, what cake I should make, etc instead of how we to celebrate the brief life that is no longer here.  How will we even survive that day?  Or the month in between those dates?  And then the holidays follow.....  It is just going to be hard, extremely hard.  I pray daily for grace, comfort, and strength to handle every day, but especially the difficult ones.  I pray for understanding friends and family who don't take it personally if we can't attend every event or get-together, no matter how big or small it is.  And I also pray for forgiveness, since it doesn't take much to have my fears and anxiety take over me.  That I learn to trust in God more, although I don't understand why this is the path He has chosen for us, a path I never ever wanted and wish was not our story.

Happy 10 Month Birthday/9 Month Angelversary Polly!   Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you every second of every day.