10 months

Polly would have been 10 months today.  Every milestone I find it hard to believe that this happened.  The 11th is always hard for us, but now that we are getting so close to her 1st birthday, I just find our story unbelievable.  I just miss her so very much.  I can't even put it into words.  And I just hurt.  I still ask "Why?" and still don't understand.  I know God's plan is best and that if I knew what His plans are, I would always want that for my life, but it is such a difficult thing to digest, that your baby dying is part of God's plan.  Why?  I am also still surprised by the daily struggles we have.  I mean surprised because they still catch me off guard, those triggers that really get to me.  Being around little babies is very hard, almost impossible for me.  They represent what I could have had and how our lives were supposed to be blessed.   They are  dreams of a future that we will never have with Polly.  They are painful reminders of how unfortunate this is and what we are missing out on, which is the opportunity to love and raise the little baby God blessed us with.  I was in Target with a friend the other day and as we rounded a corner, there was a little family with a red-headed baby girl with them.  She had a sun dress on and a bow in her hair.  Luckily I kept my composure until we got out of the store, but as soon as we did, I lost it.  Why us?  Why our sweet Polly?   It doesn't take much and I am already very unstable with my emotions, but I am still just surprised when I don't see it coming. 

I am sure I sound like a broken record.  Always saying how sad we are, but that is the truth.  We are SO sad and miss Polly so badly it makes my chest ache.  Even if we are ok on the surface, she is constantly on our minds.  I feel like people think we should be over this by now.  That because we are going to work, being social, or seen out of our house, that we are ok.  And there are days we are just ok, but not better.  I have really struggled with this new normal that is still taking shape.  I've realized I've changed, I can't go back to who I was, and instead I struggle with trying to figure out this new feeling of normalcy.  I think I fight it the majority of the time, because it is easier for everyone else if we just stay the same.  The truth is something like this changes you and you just have to get to that new stable point.  I don't like that if I see a baby, or hear a baby, or see a baby item that I had for Polly that I cry.  I wish I could just keep it together and over time that will happen but right now I am not there yet.  And as I've said before it is very difficult being the parents who lost a child.  You get attention you never wanted.

So I have just been struggling with all of this, even so many months later.  I wish so badly things were different.  I wish she was here.  I wish I didn't know what this felt like.  I wish Whit didn't know what this felt like.  I wish grief didn't make you so selfish.  I wish even the smallest thing didn't upset me.  I wish people felt more comfortable around me.  I wish people could understand.  I wish this hadn't happened to us, to our baby.  I wish I could take a break from crying.   I wish we didn't have to live in a nightmare.  I have such a long list of wishes.  I know God hasn't forsaken us, that things will feel more normal one day, but getting there is very hard.  And there is no way we can be "better" until we have atleast gone through all the firsts.  Unfortunately we are still dealing with those and a lot of the big ones are coming up.  I should be thinking about birthday invitations, what cake I should make, etc instead of how we to celebrate the brief life that is no longer here.  How will we even survive that day?  Or the month in between those dates?  And then the holidays follow.....  It is just going to be hard, extremely hard.  I pray daily for grace, comfort, and strength to handle every day, but especially the difficult ones.  I pray for understanding friends and family who don't take it personally if we can't attend every event or get-together, no matter how big or small it is.  And I also pray for forgiveness, since it doesn't take much to have my fears and anxiety take over me.  That I learn to trust in God more, although I don't understand why this is the path He has chosen for us, a path I never ever wanted and wish was not our story.

Happy 10 Month Birthday/9 Month Angelversary Polly!   Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you every second of every day.