A Rainbow in February

I'm sure I've said it before but rainbows always remind me of Polly.  I've seen more of them in the past 11 months than I have in my entire life. They always seem to appear when I really need them.  When I need that reminder that although I can't see Polly or hold her or kiss her, that she is with me.  I never noticed rainbows like I do now and they are a source of warmth and peace for me.  Like God is letting me know it will be ok and that Polly is happy and with Him.  Over the past many months I've come to learn a new meaning of the word "rainbow".  To those who have lost a baby it is what they call the baby they are blessed with after their loss....a rainbow baby.  I am blessed to say that Polly is going to be a big sister and we are expecting our own rainbow baby in February.  :)  We are happy and worried, thankful yet fearful.  A mixture of emotions is what best describes us right now as we pray for our second child and grieve for our first.  Pregnancy is hard anyways, and grieving on top of the normal challenges can make each day a struggle.  I've had to make small goals for myself, like to make it to the next appointment, or the next week of pregnancy, or even the next day.  Looking at it as a whole 9 month journey is too overwhelming.  With this rainbow, I've learned that I have focused a lot on the negative memories.  I think that is what stands out when you have been through such a terrible thing.  We did have many happy days with Polly, but sadly got bad news so often that I think that is the first thing I remember sometimes.  How it felt to watch her unable to breath when she was first born and hearing the pediatrician say he wasn't sure what was wrong and she would need to move to Savannah, and then having to go so many times into that conference room in Augusta which was usually for delivering bad news. I seem to have forgotten about some of the little joys pregnancy brings.  I've enjoyed getting to feel this baby move, which I first noticed a few weeks ago.  It is bittersweet though because I feel on edge all the time and trying to not get too attached.  I can't bear the thought of loosing another child.  But it will be impossible for us, and especially me as I carry this baby, to not get attached.  We love this blessing already.  I also find it fitting that our rainbow is due just days before the 2013 Heart & Sole event in Augusta.  Whit and I made a promise to Polly that we will as a family attend that event in her honor every year.  Last year we sold shirts to raise money to give back to the NICU who treated us like family and worked tirelessly to save our daughter.  One of the symbols important to the Heart & Sole family is a rainbow.  The 5k starts and ends under one made out of balloons, so again amazing that we are expecting our rainbow so close to such a special event.   And the idea that we could celebrate both of our children in the same week makes us smile.  So in your prayers please remember our rainbow baby.  I can honestly say I've prayed for him/her before I was even pregnant.  Please pray for a healthy baby that we will be able to bring home and also for peace in our hearts.  It is so so hard to wait and hope everything is ok.  Thank you for your support and prayers.  Love to all of you!