Sad Today

This post might be one that is all over the place, because that is just how I feel....all over the place.   I am just so so sad today.  I have cried at the drop of a hat about almost everything.  I am getting anxious about fall approaching.  I think I also literally do not know how I am going to handle the next few months.  I don't want to have to handle them.  I just want to hit fast forward and it is 2013.  I hear the anticipation is worse than the actual dates, which I hope is true because a day like today is so very draining.  It isn't like I suddenly missed Polly today.  I always think about her.  I wake up, make the bed and tuck her lovey and onesie I sleep with in the sheets, give her little box a kiss and start my day.  When I leave for work I say bye to her and always give her a kiss when I am coming or going.  At night I make sure the last thing I do is give her a kiss too.  And that is my routine.  In between I pray or talk to her and God, usually while I am getting ready or driving, whenever I am by myself.  I need those moments to feel like she is with me.  But it is still so hard.  My heart just hurts so bad.  I feel like to be out in public I have to wear this mask that shows I am ok, but I am not.  Then when I get home, I can take off the mask and cry as much as I want and it is ok.  In the NICU I was so up and down, obviously from what was going on but probably also from the physical stresses of having a baby.  To be honest I never knew what was to blame in those moments but I am sure it was a mixture.  But it was ok to cry one second and smile the next.  That was normal and accepted.  No one looked at you funny.  Back in the real world being a basket-case isn't normal.  There have been plenty of times in the grocery store I have about burst into tears and I am sure I look miserable.  Or I am at a store and may be just had a crying spell in my car so my face is all red.  You get weird looks, but I have to get it out and unlike being in the NICU, if I was doing that behind someone in the check out line they would surely think I am crazy.  The tough part, other than the obvious, is that I was not like this before.  I was genuinely happy, things didn't get me down.  Now it just seems like not only am I sad a lot but in a fog.  I can't think clearly or pay attention 100%.  I am just unable to focus.  I feel like my life is a movie and that I am playing this terrible part.  Every day I wake up and do it all over again.  I always thank God for another day, ask Him to kiss Polly for me, and talk with Him throughout the day to help me find strength, but I still have these really difficult days.  They just catch me by surprise some times but usually are followed by some more stable days so I will try to handle the emotions as they come hoping I will get a break in the near future.  Again sorry for being all over the place.  Just had to get some things out and work through them. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.