Missing Our Baby

November 11th marked the 1 year anniversary of Polly becoming an angel.  It was a very sad day yet peaceful.  We still vividly remember every ounce of pain last year that was felt as we realized we were spending the last day with our daughter.  A year later that "elephant on your chest" feeling isn't as intense, but it is still there.  Yet there is peace.  So far this month I have been pretty weepy, crying in between meetings at work, in the car, taking a shower, etc.  I have to make time to cry when I need to because if I don't it might happen all of a sudden where I can't control it.  The weird looks from strangers  bother me, so I try to avoid those situations and keep my crying not out in public.  A year later I find our story and the fact that Polly is gone still so unbelievable.  Every baby that I know that has been born since has been fine thankfully, but I am almost surprised every time, like I didn't believe babies can be born completely fine.  I still have doubts that will happen for us sadly, but hope and pray we will know what it feels like to bring a baby home.  On the morning of Polly's Angelversary I sat in a beautiful place, overlooking the ocean with a calm breeze and sunshine on my face and I held Polly's box of ashes in my arms.  I didn't know what to do or how to get through the day, all I knew is what we were doing on that day last year and that was holding her.  I thought doing the same thing was fitting, but it still makes me sob to pick up that tiny box and feel the little bag of ashes inside.  The pain is so unbearable sometimes.  I thought about a lot that morning.  We've changed a lot from who we were before we lost Polly.  I wondered what it would be like to have her here, what would her favorite toy have been, or favorite thing to eat, and how I would be preparing for another wonderful holiday season with our sweet baby here.  Instead, the reality is so painful.  She isn't here, we won't see her again on this side of Heaven, and as much as I try to explain there are just some people who don't get what we are going through.  It is a tough place to be in, one I never expected to have to go through and one I wish no one had to go through.  As time passed yesterday I checked the clock often until it was the time that I knew she was gone.  I thought about that first night, just the 2 of us, our lives turned upside-down and how empty it felt and still feels.  How we just cried and cried for her.  We remember each and every moment in so much detail.  And now we prepare for another year without sweet Polly.  Another set of holidays without her.  It still feels like the world keeps turning without us.  Despite all of this, I know Polly is completely happy and fulfilled in a way that I could never give her.  I would be lying if I said that knowing she is in Heaven make me feel all better, because it doesn't, but I know that I can't possible understand in my feeble human brain how incredible of a place she is in.  Lots of emotions, lots of tears, lots of questions, even a year later.  There are so many days that I wake up and wonder how I can make it through the day without her, and somehow we are doing that, although we often stumble on this walk.  I just miss her, I miss her scent, her soft skin, how she made me feel when I held her....I just miss her so much.  We try to incorporate her as much as we can in our lives and I pray that her little sister will get to come home and we can teach her about the sister she will never know.  Miss you so much Polly.  Watch over us and your baby sister from Heaven, until we see each other again.  We love you.

Ephesians 2:10: For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.