Having another late night tonight. Lately I haven't been able to sleep much. I've been busy at work which has made me tired yet my mind races at night. You would think being busy helps and in a way it does for the moment, but grieving always seems to catch back up to me. I've found that the only thing that truly helps is to let myself experience every emotion I feel, even though I get so tired of being upset all the time, you just can't help it and if you push it down, grief always comes back up. Sometimes things happen that spark me getting upset, other times it is just because I haven't let myself feel all those emotions. I find as we begin our second year without Polly that I have grown and changed, but I still struggle so much, we still are not ok with this at all, we still miss our baby. As happy as we are for others who have been blessed to have their children here, it hurts to imagine what you are missing out on....all the milestones, the day to day things, the baby items.....big or small, those moments are never ones we will share with Polly. The only diaper I ever changed was after she had left us. We never held her while she was awake, only heavily sedated or after she passed. We saw her eyes just a few times in her first 2-3 days of life. There are so many things that we will never do with her. Nothing about our situation was normal, we had no normal experiences. Yet looking back those days in the NICU, the hours by her bedside meant so much to us. I am so grateful for those memories, even though they were plagued with a constant emotional rollercoaster. More than a year later it is still just so devastating, so terrible still, so indescribable. With Christmas coming up I wonder how I will handle it all. Normally by now I have been listening to Christmas music for weeks but can't bring myself to listen to all of those songs just yet. I sang to Polly many days and as soon as it hit November I sang her Christmas songs. We even have a cd we would play that had children singing and I would love every second I got to make that memory, singing in her ear by her bedside. A year later I can say we do have hope with Polly's little sister. Even has I type this, tears streaming, she kicks away in my belly. This sweet baby will never replace Polly and I do battle with the fact that if Polly was here we probably wouldn't be expecting, but I pray so hard that we will be able to keep this daughter. I feel like it is possible but I just don't know if this time we will have a happy ending. The waiting is so very hard too. One of the first things I thought about when I found out I was pregnant is how sad it made me that this child would never know its sister this side of Heaven. Now that I know Polly will have a sister, it just breaks my heart. My sisters have been such a strong comfort to me through all of this, but even before they always looked out for me like big sisters do. I believe in my heart Polly is playing the big sister role, but I wish they could know each other here. But we will make sure to tell Baby Rainbow about her sister so that she knows her story. And that she knows although this is not how we thought things would turn out, that we have honestly prayed for this baby, our rainbow, since before we knew of her. I guess I have rambled enough.
Polly- we will miss you forever, a huge hole is in our hearts that only you can fill, but we know we will see you again. We have that hope. And to our baby rainbow, the one who has brought smiles through our tears, we prayed for you and continue to pray for you. We are on our knees for you and we love you oh so much. How we pray for the day to bring you home and show you the room that is yours and your big sister's. We pray for you to be healthy and to be a screamer. :) As empty as I feel, my heart is so full for both of my girls.
Monday, November 12, 2012
November 11th marked the 1 year anniversary of Polly becoming an angel. It was a very sad day yet peaceful. We still vividly remember every ounce of pain last year that was felt as we realized we were spending the last day with our daughter. A year later that "elephant on your chest" feeling isn't as intense, but it is still there. Yet there is peace. So far this month I have been pretty weepy, crying in between meetings at work, in the car, taking a shower, etc. I have to make time to cry when I need to because if I don't it might happen all of a sudden where I can't control it. The weird looks from strangers bother me, so I try to avoid those situations and keep my crying not out in public. A year later I find our story and the fact that Polly is gone still so unbelievable. Every baby that I know that has been born since has been fine thankfully, but I am almost surprised every time, like I didn't believe babies can be born completely fine. I still have doubts that will happen for us sadly, but hope and pray we will know what it feels like to bring a baby home. On the morning of Polly's Angelversary I sat in a beautiful place, overlooking the ocean with a calm breeze and sunshine on my face and I held Polly's box of ashes in my arms. I didn't know what to do or how to get through the day, all I knew is what we were doing on that day last year and that was holding her. I thought doing the same thing was fitting, but it still makes me sob to pick up that tiny box and feel the little bag of ashes inside. The pain is so unbearable sometimes. I thought about a lot that morning. We've changed a lot from who we were before we lost Polly. I wondered what it would be like to have her here, what would her favorite toy have been, or favorite thing to eat, and how I would be preparing for another wonderful holiday season with our sweet baby here. Instead, the reality is so painful. She isn't here, we won't see her again on this side of Heaven, and as much as I try to explain there are just some people who don't get what we are going through. It is a tough place to be in, one I never expected to have to go through and one I wish no one had to go through. As time passed yesterday I checked the clock often until it was the time that I knew she was gone. I thought about that first night, just the 2 of us, our lives turned upside-down and how empty it felt and still feels. How we just cried and cried for her. We remember each and every moment in so much detail. And now we prepare for another year without sweet Polly. Another set of holidays without her. It still feels like the world keeps turning without us. Despite all of this, I know Polly is completely happy and fulfilled in a way that I could never give her. I would be lying if I said that knowing she is in Heaven make me feel all better, because it doesn't, but I know that I can't possible understand in my feeble human brain how incredible of a place she is in. Lots of emotions, lots of tears, lots of questions, even a year later. There are so many days that I wake up and wonder how I can make it through the day without her, and somehow we are doing that, although we often stumble on this walk. I just miss her, I miss her scent, her soft skin, how she made me feel when I held her....I just miss her so much. We try to incorporate her as much as we can in our lives and I pray that her little sister will get to come home and we can teach her about the sister she will never know. Miss you so much Polly. Watch over us and your baby sister from Heaven, until we see each other again. We love you.