Monday, October 22, 2012

Happy First Birthday Polly

For Polly's birthday we decided it would be best to go on a trip some where, so that is what we did.  We stayed in SanDestin through sweet friends of my parents.  We had never been and the area was beautiful.  We drove around and looked at all of the beaches and picked the perfect one to have Polly's little birthday celebration.  My parents had sent balloons for Polly, but we wanted to send her a lot of them, so we went to the store to buy more balloons, a flower to send to her, and also a "birthday cake" which we thought a cute cupcake would be perfect.  I can't tell you how surreal it is, buying all the things to celebrate a birthday in a busy grocery store but only us knowing the birthday angel is in Heaven.  We were both scared someone would see my tummy and assume what we were buying was for the baby.  Luckily everyone seemed too busy to notice us as we fought back tears waiting on her balloons to be inflated.  Again we had that surreal moment as we celebrated her birthday and watched the sunset on the gulf.  There were people walking on the beach, kids playing, dogs running in the water.  It was so very surreal to be sad in such a happy and beautiful place. We wrote messages on her balloons, tied a flower to them, and sent them to Heaven.  Next we lit her birthday candle on her cupcake and took pictures of it with her lovey.  We had many tears but also smiled at just how much love our Polly fills our hearts.  Still a year later we miss her just as much.  We still cry for her and we still wonder why.  For her birthday we dreamed of a sweet party with family and friends, watching her eat her first bite of cake, and reminiscing on how quickly the year had gone by.  Although our celebration for Polly was perfect for us, it was not at all how we imagined her first birthday would be.  Still we were thankful for the peace we felt and that God chose us to be her parents.  As we sat and watched the sunset, there wasn't even a breeze on the beach, which was odd, but somehow her candle blew out on its own.  We like to imagine that was Polly making a wish on her birthday.  We also were so overwhelmed by all of the sweet messages, emails, and cards.  The fact that so many remembered her and her birthday is priceless to us.  Our greatest fear is that she will be forgotten, so thank you for acknowledging her on such a bittersweet day for us.  We were reminded how many people her short life touched. 

So now we are in the "in-between dates".  I have wondered many times since the 11th what kind of a day it was in the NICU on that day in 2011.  And it still is so unbelievable that this all happened a year ago.  It feels like yesterday.  I couldn't imagine that I would be pregnant a year later.  There are just so many emotions.  The day after we got home we drove to Savannah for our first perinatologist appointment.  We were there a while and loved the medical professionals we met and thankfully heard that every looks perfect.  We have been blessed to hear good news at every appointment, but despite the smoothness of this pregnancy, we still are guilty of worrying we won't be able to bring this baby home.  I think being pregnant has reminded us how you are not in control and you just have to do the best you can, pray and hope.  But we are so very thankful that everything has looked perfect.  We asked at this appointment (like we do at all) how the lungs look and basically heard what we have heard many times.  Since the lungs are still developing and are mainly tissue, you can't really see them, only where they should be and parts of them.  You can see the "branches" and also that there is lung tissue there, but babies don't use the lungs until they are born, so there is no way to tell if they will work.  Still we are very thankful for all the good news we heard and for the extra care we have received. 

Please continue to pray for a healthy Rainbow and for us as we brace for Polly's angelversary, the holidays, and our Rainbow's arrival.   And thank you for remembering Polly.  We still hurt for her so much.
Polly's Balloons

On their way to Heaven!

Happy 1st Birthday Polly!  We love you! 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Special Dates

As Polly's dates get closer, I feel like I am in such a fog.  The past year as gone by slow and fast at the same time and it has been very painful.  This day last year Whit and I were putting Polly's room together with his brother and sister-in-law.  Tomorrow is her due date.  Thursday is her birthday.  There are so many dates now.  Whenever I see anything revolving around the month of October or November, anything from an invitation to a movie coming out, it takes me back to our lives when Polly was here.  I am just numb and really out of it, that is the best way I can describe it.  I think with her special dates approaching I am just having a moment of shock again.  Similar to when we got home, where I just couldn't believe this had happened.  I am starting to relive that again, that I can't believe this has happened.  Thursday is just going to be another day for the rest of the world, yet we will go through the day constantly looking at the time and remembering what was happening at that moment last year.  I can easily replay all of it.  From the contractions to having her to having the doctor come in and say we had a very sick baby.  Never in a million years could you have told me we would have lost our baby, that this would be our story.  It is still so terrible and still so unbelievable.  I should be planning a birthday party and deciding what type of cake Polly would like.  I had daydreams when I was pregnant about her first party.  So just in a weird place right now.  How do people live through something like this?  How do you ever smile again?  Like a real, genuine smile?  Or laugh?  I just still can't believe she is gone and that all I have left are memories and her little box of ashes.  And I can't believe that tomorrow, on her due date, I will be 20 weeks with Polly's little brother or sister.  As I feel my second child moving and growing inside me, I struggle to truly believe this child will be mine too.  I know this is terrible to say, but some days I don't feel like this is my baby.  I love this baby, I scrutinize every decision I make to ensure the baby's well-being, but it is almost like I am a surrogate and feel detached some days.  This could be a coping mechanism for all I know, but it is just hard to not be one of those super cheerful moms that have all the excited plans for this baby.  I can't let myself really get to that point yet.  But I love this baby so much.  Isn't that weird?  To feel detached yet in love?  We go to our first perinatologist visit next week, which weirdly I haven't really thought too much about, but as it gets closer I am starting to get nervous.  I feel like since this is something different about my last pregnancy, that this will be when we hear something is wrong.  Again I think I am just numb because I've had much more emotional reactions to my normal doctor appointments so far.  I just pray that things will continue to look good and that this baby will be as healthy as possible.  The date of my appointment is ironically our anniversary (before we had a wedding anniversary) and also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  On this day you are suppose to light a candle in memory of the babies who are no longer with us.  Our first anniversary date has new meaning now too.  Who would have thought that 12 years after we began our journey together, we would be dealing with so much?  That we would have endured such sadness? I am just sad to have these dates coming up.  I wish Polly was here and I could hold her or smell her again.  I miss her smell and worry one day I will forget what it was like.  I miss those few moments when I saw her eyes open.  I just really miss her so much.  I know many who have gotten through all the anniversaries and now it is our turn.  We will survive too, but I can't help but entertain the idea of what it would have been like to have her here with us.  Whoever said time heals wounds I don't think went through loosing a child.  We still miss and hurt for her like we did the day we lost her.  Love you sweet baby.