Special Dates

As Polly's dates get closer, I feel like I am in such a fog.  The past year as gone by slow and fast at the same time and it has been very painful.  This day last year Whit and I were putting Polly's room together with his brother and sister-in-law.  Tomorrow is her due date.  Thursday is her birthday.  There are so many dates now.  Whenever I see anything revolving around the month of October or November, anything from an invitation to a movie coming out, it takes me back to our lives when Polly was here.  I am just numb and really out of it, that is the best way I can describe it.  I think with her special dates approaching I am just having a moment of shock again.  Similar to when we got home, where I just couldn't believe this had happened.  I am starting to relive that again, that I can't believe this has happened.  Thursday is just going to be another day for the rest of the world, yet we will go through the day constantly looking at the time and remembering what was happening at that moment last year.  I can easily replay all of it.  From the contractions to having her to having the doctor come in and say we had a very sick baby.  Never in a million years could you have told me we would have lost our baby, that this would be our story.  It is still so terrible and still so unbelievable.  I should be planning a birthday party and deciding what type of cake Polly would like.  I had daydreams when I was pregnant about her first party.  So just in a weird place right now.  How do people live through something like this?  How do you ever smile again?  Like a real, genuine smile?  Or laugh?  I just still can't believe she is gone and that all I have left are memories and her little box of ashes.  And I can't believe that tomorrow, on her due date, I will be 20 weeks with Polly's little brother or sister.  As I feel my second child moving and growing inside me, I struggle to truly believe this child will be mine too.  I know this is terrible to say, but some days I don't feel like this is my baby.  I love this baby, I scrutinize every decision I make to ensure the baby's well-being, but it is almost like I am a surrogate and feel detached some days.  This could be a coping mechanism for all I know, but it is just hard to not be one of those super cheerful moms that have all the excited plans for this baby.  I can't let myself really get to that point yet.  But I love this baby so much.  Isn't that weird?  To feel detached yet in love?  We go to our first perinatologist visit next week, which weirdly I haven't really thought too much about, but as it gets closer I am starting to get nervous.  I feel like since this is something different about my last pregnancy, that this will be when we hear something is wrong.  Again I think I am just numb because I've had much more emotional reactions to my normal doctor appointments so far.  I just pray that things will continue to look good and that this baby will be as healthy as possible.  The date of my appointment is ironically our anniversary (before we had a wedding anniversary) and also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  On this day you are suppose to light a candle in memory of the babies who are no longer with us.  Our first anniversary date has new meaning now too.  Who would have thought that 12 years after we began our journey together, we would be dealing with so much?  That we would have endured such sadness? I am just sad to have these dates coming up.  I wish Polly was here and I could hold her or smell her again.  I miss her smell and worry one day I will forget what it was like.  I miss those few moments when I saw her eyes open.  I just really miss her so much.  I know many who have gotten through all the anniversaries and now it is our turn.  We will survive too, but I can't help but entertain the idea of what it would have been like to have her here with us.  Whoever said time heals wounds I don't think went through loosing a child.  We still miss and hurt for her like we did the day we lost her.  Love you sweet baby.