Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Rainbow in February

I'm sure I've said it before but rainbows always remind me of Polly.  I've seen more of them in the past 11 months than I have in my entire life. They always seem to appear when I really need them.  When I need that reminder that although I can't see Polly or hold her or kiss her, that she is with me.  I never noticed rainbows like I do now and they are a source of warmth and peace for me.  Like God is letting me know it will be ok and that Polly is happy and with Him.  Over the past many months I've come to learn a new meaning of the word "rainbow".  To those who have lost a baby it is what they call the baby they are blessed with after their loss....a rainbow baby.  I am blessed to say that Polly is going to be a big sister and we are expecting our own rainbow baby in February.  :)  We are happy and worried, thankful yet fearful.  A mixture of emotions is what best describes us right now as we pray for our second child and grieve for our first.  Pregnancy is hard anyways, and grieving on top of the normal challenges can make each day a struggle.  I've had to make small goals for myself, like to make it to the next appointment, or the next week of pregnancy, or even the next day.  Looking at it as a whole 9 month journey is too overwhelming.  With this rainbow, I've learned that I have focused a lot on the negative memories.  I think that is what stands out when you have been through such a terrible thing.  We did have many happy days with Polly, but sadly got bad news so often that I think that is the first thing I remember sometimes.  How it felt to watch her unable to breath when she was first born and hearing the pediatrician say he wasn't sure what was wrong and she would need to move to Savannah, and then having to go so many times into that conference room in Augusta which was usually for delivering bad news. I seem to have forgotten about some of the little joys pregnancy brings.  I've enjoyed getting to feel this baby move, which I first noticed a few weeks ago.  It is bittersweet though because I feel on edge all the time and trying to not get too attached.  I can't bear the thought of loosing another child.  But it will be impossible for us, and especially me as I carry this baby, to not get attached.  We love this blessing already.  I also find it fitting that our rainbow is due just days before the 2013 Heart & Sole event in Augusta.  Whit and I made a promise to Polly that we will as a family attend that event in her honor every year.  Last year we sold shirts to raise money to give back to the NICU who treated us like family and worked tirelessly to save our daughter.  One of the symbols important to the Heart & Sole family is a rainbow.  The 5k starts and ends under one made out of balloons, so again amazing that we are expecting our rainbow so close to such a special event.   And the idea that we could celebrate both of our children in the same week makes us smile.  So in your prayers please remember our rainbow baby.  I can honestly say I've prayed for him/her before I was even pregnant.  Please pray for a healthy baby that we will be able to bring home and also for peace in our hearts.  It is so so hard to wait and hope everything is ok.  Thank you for your support and prayers.  Love to all of you!

Friday, September 7, 2012

Sad Today

This post might be one that is all over the place, because that is just how I feel....all over the place.   I am just so so sad today.  I have cried at the drop of a hat about almost everything.  I am getting anxious about fall approaching.  I think I also literally do not know how I am going to handle the next few months.  I don't want to have to handle them.  I just want to hit fast forward and it is 2013.  I hear the anticipation is worse than the actual dates, which I hope is true because a day like today is so very draining.  It isn't like I suddenly missed Polly today.  I always think about her.  I wake up, make the bed and tuck her lovey and onesie I sleep with in the sheets, give her little box a kiss and start my day.  When I leave for work I say bye to her and always give her a kiss when I am coming or going.  At night I make sure the last thing I do is give her a kiss too.  And that is my routine.  In between I pray or talk to her and God, usually while I am getting ready or driving, whenever I am by myself.  I need those moments to feel like she is with me.  But it is still so hard.  My heart just hurts so bad.  I feel like to be out in public I have to wear this mask that shows I am ok, but I am not.  Then when I get home, I can take off the mask and cry as much as I want and it is ok.  In the NICU I was so up and down, obviously from what was going on but probably also from the physical stresses of having a baby.  To be honest I never knew what was to blame in those moments but I am sure it was a mixture.  But it was ok to cry one second and smile the next.  That was normal and accepted.  No one looked at you funny.  Back in the real world being a basket-case isn't normal.  There have been plenty of times in the grocery store I have about burst into tears and I am sure I look miserable.  Or I am at a store and may be just had a crying spell in my car so my face is all red.  You get weird looks, but I have to get it out and unlike being in the NICU, if I was doing that behind someone in the check out line they would surely think I am crazy.  The tough part, other than the obvious, is that I was not like this before.  I was genuinely happy, things didn't get me down.  Now it just seems like not only am I sad a lot but in a fog.  I can't think clearly or pay attention 100%.  I am just unable to focus.  I feel like my life is a movie and that I am playing this terrible part.  Every day I wake up and do it all over again.  I always thank God for another day, ask Him to kiss Polly for me, and talk with Him throughout the day to help me find strength, but I still have these really difficult days.  They just catch me by surprise some times but usually are followed by some more stable days so I will try to handle the emotions as they come hoping I will get a break in the near future.  Again sorry for being all over the place.  Just had to get some things out and work through them. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.