Grace

I have prayed for God to give me grace so much lately.  Literally every day I say something along those lines, whether it is for me to handle insensitive comments, or deal with the realization that Polly is not here, or for me to be gracious and enjoy these calm moments of pregnancy instead of worrying all the time, or grace to just make it through the day.  I pray for that a lot because I struggle a lot.  We both do.  Something hit me today that really struck me and I felt the need to share.  Whit has been listening to a Christian talk station and has found a few pastors really encouraging.  We talk about the things he has heard often and they have become a great way for us to grow in our relationship with the Lord.  Whit borrowed my car and left the station on this morning (I'm sure God planned that), so today when I was running errands and wasn't paying attention to the radio.  I heard the announcer say something about kids, which caught my attention.    They were interviewing a couple, the man was a pastor, who was telling a story of a tragedy, although I didn't know what happened yet but knew kids were involved, it got my attention.  Their tragic day happened in 1994 outside of Milwaukee and the family was traveling to celebrate 2 of their children's birthdays at one of their older son's houses.  This couple had 9 children, 3 were grown and the other 6 were in the car ages 6 weeks to 11 years old.  They were traveling on the interstate when suddenly there was a large piece of metal in the road, the husband tried to steer out of the way but it was too late and the van struck the metal which made the gas tank explode and the entire car burst into flames.  They lost all 6 children who were in the car.  The father said that they get asked a lot "when did you realize what had happened, that they were all gone?" and his answer is "in about 30 seconds".  It was at that instant as his wife and himself stared at the car that was engulfed in flames.  I of course am crying so hard as I hear this story at this point.  I can't even imagine.  And here they are, almost 20 years later talking about their faith and how they were strengthened that day through this tragedy.  The father is a minister and one of the first things he said, moments after this happened, was that "God had prepared them for this".  He said he didn't know why he said that to his wife, but that calmed her as they took in what had just happened.  And they didn't turn away from God because of this horrible tragedy and rejoice knowing their children are with the Lord.  I would have been in elementary school in 1994, and here I am being touched by their story and in a way able to relate.  It made me realize something, that I need to focus more on my walk with God than on the grief that can so easily overtake you.  It is much easier to lay in bed and cry all day about Polly being gone than having to get up and face the world and there are many days that I want to just cry in bed.  But I have to realize that instead of asking God why did this happen, that I have to understand (and it brings me to tears to think this) that God wasn't doing something TO us, but He CHOSE us to be Polly's parents.  And that for Polly's little sister, we pray she is ok and healthy and will be able to be part of our family on Earth, but He also chose us to be her parents too.  I can't know what her purpose will be and I can't focus on the fact that this can happen again because it can.  I choose to focus on the fact that God picked us on purpose and we are blessed to say we are Polly's parents instead of looking at ourselves as "that couple who lost their child".  These are all ideas that have crossed my mind but I finally really realized that today.  God isn't mean, didn't do something terrible to us, He chose us out of the billions of people in the world to be Polly's parents, her biggest fans.  I just had it on my heart to share such a huge story about this family and that I believe in my heart that like that couple's children, Polly had a purpose which she fulfilled in a mere month.  And we are very proud to say we are her parents.

2012 has been a difficult year to say the least and although the intense feelings of grief have either dulled slightly or we've figured out how to manage them better (or both), we do have hope for 2013.  Hope in this sweet child in my belly who will be here before we know it.  Below is a link to the story I was telling you about.  It is very tragic and heartbreaking, I can't read it without crying, but it is worth it and you will gain something from it.  There is even a sermon from the father at the bottom.  Thank you for not forgetting Polly and for praying for us and her sister.  We are 30 weeks this week and praying for grace yet again, this time for the grace to get through the last 10 weeks of this pregnancy. 

http://recollections.liblog.wheaton.edu/2010/12/09/tragedy-and-faith-scott-janet-willis/

The Holidays

As Christmas gets closer I find I am missing Polly more and more.  I had always had such vivid dreams of what we would do on her first Thanksgiving and Christmas and I never could have imagined she would not live long enough to enjoy those holidays.  After going through one round of holidays without her you would think we would have a better grasp on things and can handle it better the second go around.  I am finding it very difficult.  Thanksgiving I got through but Christmas is big.  Such a huge and important holiday.  I should be buying gifts for a 14 month old and making those holiday memories with my tiny family.  Instead we have a huge hole in our hearts.  I've thought about sponsoring a child that is Polly's age each year to buy presents for, but this year I just can't do that.  It is too painful to look at all of the little baby items, I've pushed most of the baby stuff out of my mind to help me cope.  The holidays are going to be tough especially because both of our birthdays are around them, Whit's being before Christmas and mine shortly after.  There is a lot of celebrating and we honestly can't jump into celebrations like we used to.  Our hearts are so tender and sad without having our little blessing here to celebrate with.  I've gone back and forth about buying a stocking for this baby, but have ultimately decided to wait since we don't have a name for her yet.  I bought Polly's stocking the day before I had her, knowing exactly what she would be called and even though I had 2 months until Christmas I just had to go ahead and order it.  I have 2 months left in my pregnancy and I just can't bring myself to plan ahead that far, although that isn't a lot of time.  So this year we are having to do things differently just to make it through.  Christmas is still my favorite time of year, but you can imagine the heartache that comes along with it.  There is nothing we can do to make that pain go away, but we are trying to focus on the meaning of Christmas this year, instead of how we should divide up our gift list to our family members.  I've also felt God trying to reach out to me lately.  Sometimes I feel so distant, even from God, but I know it is only because I have blinders on and don't take time to listen like I used to.  But I think I have just felt lost and alone but lately, one after the other, I've heard or read things that have said basically that God knows your heart and He knows your pain.  He understands when others don't.  And He loves me, He hasn't forgotten about us although I honestly wonder that sometimes.  People get busy with their own lives and I imagine God gets busy because He is God, but I've reminded myself that God knows everything and  has never left me.  So just working on my faith and with the emotional rollercoaster that is missing Polly, being pregnant and praying for this child, and for the upcoming handling the Christmas season.  And as far as an update on our rainbow, there really isn't much.  This pregnancy has been just as uneventful as my pregnancy with Polly.  I even had to do the 4 hour re-test for diabetes and passed the second go round, which also happened with Polly.  We are in our third trimester now and starting to realize, which may sound silly, but that this is really happening.  That our second daughter will be born in February.  We are hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.  I am getting more attention while out in public, which I try to shy away from the chit-chat questions I get.  It is hard to answer them when the person asking doesn't know where we've been, doesn't know the heartache we've dealt with, and that we have learned that just because you see someone pregnant out and about doesn't mean everything is going to work out.  But I am so thankful for everything being smooth sailing, it is just eerie how similar both pregnancies have been.  I pray history doesn't repeat itself and that next year we will have a child to share the holidays with.  Missing Polly today and always. 

Midnight Rambling

Having another late night tonight.  Lately I haven't been able to sleep much.  I've been busy at work which has made me tired yet my mind races at night.  You would think being busy helps and in a way it does for the moment, but grieving always seems to catch back up to me.  I've found that the only thing that truly helps is to let myself experience every emotion I feel, even though I get so tired of being upset all the time, you just can't help it and if you push it down, grief always comes back up.  Sometimes things happen that spark me getting upset, other times it is just because I haven't let myself feel all those emotions.  I find as we begin our second year without Polly that I have grown and changed, but I still struggle so much, we still are not ok with this at all, we still miss our baby.  As happy as we are for others who have been blessed to have their children here, it hurts to imagine what you are missing out on....all the milestones, the day to day things, the baby items.....big or small, those moments are never ones we will share with Polly.  The only diaper I ever changed was after she had left us.  We never held her while she was awake, only heavily sedated or after she passed.  We saw her eyes just a few times in her first 2-3 days of life.  There are so many things that we will never do with her.  Nothing about our situation was normal, we had no normal experiences.  Yet looking back those days in the NICU, the hours by her bedside meant so much to us.  I am so grateful for those memories, even though they were plagued with a constant emotional rollercoaster.    More than a year later it is still just so devastating, so terrible still, so indescribable.  With Christmas coming up I wonder how I will handle it all.  Normally by now I have been listening to Christmas music for weeks but can't bring myself to listen to all of those songs just yet.  I sang to Polly many days and as soon as it hit November I sang her Christmas songs.  We even have a cd we would play that had children singing and I would love every second I got to make that memory, singing in her ear by her bedside.  A year later I can say we do have hope with Polly's little sister.  Even has I type this, tears streaming, she kicks away in my belly.  This sweet baby will never replace Polly and I do battle with the fact that if Polly was here we probably wouldn't be expecting, but I pray so hard that we will be able to keep this daughter.  I feel like it is possible but I just don't know if this time we will have a happy ending.  The waiting is so very hard too.  One of the first things I thought about when I found out I was pregnant is how sad it made me that this child would never know its sister this side of Heaven.  Now that I know Polly will have a sister, it just breaks my heart.  My sisters have been such a strong comfort to me through all of this, but even before they always looked out for me like big sisters do.  I believe in my heart Polly is playing the big sister role, but I wish they could know each other here.  But we will make sure to tell Baby Rainbow about her sister so that she knows her story.  And that she knows although this is not how we thought things would turn out, that we have honestly prayed for this baby, our rainbow, since before we knew of her.  I guess I have rambled enough.

Polly- we will miss you forever, a huge hole is in our hearts that only you can fill, but we know we will see you again.  We have that hope.  And to our baby rainbow, the one who has brought smiles through our tears, we prayed for you and continue to pray for you.  We are on our knees for you and we love you oh so much.  How we pray for the day to bring you home and show you the room that is yours and your big sister's.  We pray for you to be healthy and to be a screamer.  :)  As empty as I feel, my heart is so full for both of my girls. 

Missing Our Baby

November 11th marked the 1 year anniversary of Polly becoming an angel.  It was a very sad day yet peaceful.  We still vividly remember every ounce of pain last year that was felt as we realized we were spending the last day with our daughter.  A year later that "elephant on your chest" feeling isn't as intense, but it is still there.  Yet there is peace.  So far this month I have been pretty weepy, crying in between meetings at work, in the car, taking a shower, etc.  I have to make time to cry when I need to because if I don't it might happen all of a sudden where I can't control it.  The weird looks from strangers  bother me, so I try to avoid those situations and keep my crying not out in public.  A year later I find our story and the fact that Polly is gone still so unbelievable.  Every baby that I know that has been born since has been fine thankfully, but I am almost surprised every time, like I didn't believe babies can be born completely fine.  I still have doubts that will happen for us sadly, but hope and pray we will know what it feels like to bring a baby home.  On the morning of Polly's Angelversary I sat in a beautiful place, overlooking the ocean with a calm breeze and sunshine on my face and I held Polly's box of ashes in my arms.  I didn't know what to do or how to get through the day, all I knew is what we were doing on that day last year and that was holding her.  I thought doing the same thing was fitting, but it still makes me sob to pick up that tiny box and feel the little bag of ashes inside.  The pain is so unbearable sometimes.  I thought about a lot that morning.  We've changed a lot from who we were before we lost Polly.  I wondered what it would be like to have her here, what would her favorite toy have been, or favorite thing to eat, and how I would be preparing for another wonderful holiday season with our sweet baby here.  Instead, the reality is so painful.  She isn't here, we won't see her again on this side of Heaven, and as much as I try to explain there are just some people who don't get what we are going through.  It is a tough place to be in, one I never expected to have to go through and one I wish no one had to go through.  As time passed yesterday I checked the clock often until it was the time that I knew she was gone.  I thought about that first night, just the 2 of us, our lives turned upside-down and how empty it felt and still feels.  How we just cried and cried for her.  We remember each and every moment in so much detail.  And now we prepare for another year without sweet Polly.  Another set of holidays without her.  It still feels like the world keeps turning without us.  Despite all of this, I know Polly is completely happy and fulfilled in a way that I could never give her.  I would be lying if I said that knowing she is in Heaven make me feel all better, because it doesn't, but I know that I can't possible understand in my feeble human brain how incredible of a place she is in.  Lots of emotions, lots of tears, lots of questions, even a year later.  There are so many days that I wake up and wonder how I can make it through the day without her, and somehow we are doing that, although we often stumble on this walk.  I just miss her, I miss her scent, her soft skin, how she made me feel when I held her....I just miss her so much.  We try to incorporate her as much as we can in our lives and I pray that her little sister will get to come home and we can teach her about the sister she will never know.  Miss you so much Polly.  Watch over us and your baby sister from Heaven, until we see each other again.  We love you.

Ephesians 2:10: For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Happy First Birthday Polly

For Polly's birthday we decided it would be best to go on a trip some where, so that is what we did.  We stayed in SanDestin through sweet friends of my parents.  We had never been and the area was beautiful.  We drove around and looked at all of the beaches and picked the perfect one to have Polly's little birthday celebration.  My parents had sent balloons for Polly, but we wanted to send her a lot of them, so we went to the store to buy more balloons, a flower to send to her, and also a "birthday cake" which we thought a cute cupcake would be perfect.  I can't tell you how surreal it is, buying all the things to celebrate a birthday in a busy grocery store but only us knowing the birthday angel is in Heaven.  We were both scared someone would see my tummy and assume what we were buying was for the baby.  Luckily everyone seemed too busy to notice us as we fought back tears waiting on her balloons to be inflated.  Again we had that surreal moment as we celebrated her birthday and watched the sunset on the gulf.  There were people walking on the beach, kids playing, dogs running in the water.  It was so very surreal to be sad in such a happy and beautiful place. We wrote messages on her balloons, tied a flower to them, and sent them to Heaven.  Next we lit her birthday candle on her cupcake and took pictures of it with her lovey.  We had many tears but also smiled at just how much love our Polly fills our hearts.  Still a year later we miss her just as much.  We still cry for her and we still wonder why.  For her birthday we dreamed of a sweet party with family and friends, watching her eat her first bite of cake, and reminiscing on how quickly the year had gone by.  Although our celebration for Polly was perfect for us, it was not at all how we imagined her first birthday would be.  Still we were thankful for the peace we felt and that God chose us to be her parents.  As we sat and watched the sunset, there wasn't even a breeze on the beach, which was odd, but somehow her candle blew out on its own.  We like to imagine that was Polly making a wish on her birthday.  We also were so overwhelmed by all of the sweet messages, emails, and cards.  The fact that so many remembered her and her birthday is priceless to us.  Our greatest fear is that she will be forgotten, so thank you for acknowledging her on such a bittersweet day for us.  We were reminded how many people her short life touched. 

So now we are in the "in-between dates".  I have wondered many times since the 11th what kind of a day it was in the NICU on that day in 2011.  And it still is so unbelievable that this all happened a year ago.  It feels like yesterday.  I couldn't imagine that I would be pregnant a year later.  There are just so many emotions.  The day after we got home we drove to Savannah for our first perinatologist appointment.  We were there a while and loved the medical professionals we met and thankfully heard that every looks perfect.  We have been blessed to hear good news at every appointment, but despite the smoothness of this pregnancy, we still are guilty of worrying we won't be able to bring this baby home.  I think being pregnant has reminded us how you are not in control and you just have to do the best you can, pray and hope.  But we are so very thankful that everything has looked perfect.  We asked at this appointment (like we do at all) how the lungs look and basically heard what we have heard many times.  Since the lungs are still developing and are mainly tissue, you can't really see them, only where they should be and parts of them.  You can see the "branches" and also that there is lung tissue there, but babies don't use the lungs until they are born, so there is no way to tell if they will work.  Still we are very thankful for all the good news we heard and for the extra care we have received. 

Please continue to pray for a healthy Rainbow and for us as we brace for Polly's angelversary, the holidays, and our Rainbow's arrival.   And thank you for remembering Polly.  We still hurt for her so much.

Polly's Balloons

On their way to Heaven!

Happy 1st Birthday Polly!  We love you!

 

Special Dates

As Polly's dates get closer, I feel like I am in such a fog.  The past year as gone by slow and fast at the same time and it has been very painful.  This day last year Whit and I were putting Polly's room together with his brother and sister-in-law.  Tomorrow is her due date.  Thursday is her birthday.  There are so many dates now.  Whenever I see anything revolving around the month of October or November, anything from an invitation to a movie coming out, it takes me back to our lives when Polly was here.  I am just numb and really out of it, that is the best way I can describe it.  I think with her special dates approaching I am just having a moment of shock again.  Similar to when we got home, where I just couldn't believe this had happened.  I am starting to relive that again, that I can't believe this has happened.  Thursday is just going to be another day for the rest of the world, yet we will go through the day constantly looking at the time and remembering what was happening at that moment last year.  I can easily replay all of it.  From the contractions to having her to having the doctor come in and say we had a very sick baby.  Never in a million years could you have told me we would have lost our baby, that this would be our story.  It is still so terrible and still so unbelievable.  I should be planning a birthday party and deciding what type of cake Polly would like.  I had daydreams when I was pregnant about her first party.  So just in a weird place right now.  How do people live through something like this?  How do you ever smile again?  Like a real, genuine smile?  Or laugh?  I just still can't believe she is gone and that all I have left are memories and her little box of ashes.  And I can't believe that tomorrow, on her due date, I will be 20 weeks with Polly's little brother or sister.  As I feel my second child moving and growing inside me, I struggle to truly believe this child will be mine too.  I know this is terrible to say, but some days I don't feel like this is my baby.  I love this baby, I scrutinize every decision I make to ensure the baby's well-being, but it is almost like I am a surrogate and feel detached some days.  This could be a coping mechanism for all I know, but it is just hard to not be one of those super cheerful moms that have all the excited plans for this baby.  I can't let myself really get to that point yet.  But I love this baby so much.  Isn't that weird?  To feel detached yet in love?  We go to our first perinatologist visit next week, which weirdly I haven't really thought too much about, but as it gets closer I am starting to get nervous.  I feel like since this is something different about my last pregnancy, that this will be when we hear something is wrong.  Again I think I am just numb because I've had much more emotional reactions to my normal doctor appointments so far.  I just pray that things will continue to look good and that this baby will be as healthy as possible.  The date of my appointment is ironically our anniversary (before we had a wedding anniversary) and also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  On this day you are suppose to light a candle in memory of the babies who are no longer with us.  Our first anniversary date has new meaning now too.  Who would have thought that 12 years after we began our journey together, we would be dealing with so much?  That we would have endured such sadness? I am just sad to have these dates coming up.  I wish Polly was here and I could hold her or smell her again.  I miss her smell and worry one day I will forget what it was like.  I miss those few moments when I saw her eyes open.  I just really miss her so much.  I know many who have gotten through all the anniversaries and now it is our turn.  We will survive too, but I can't help but entertain the idea of what it would have been like to have her here with us.  Whoever said time heals wounds I don't think went through loosing a child.  We still miss and hurt for her like we did the day we lost her.  Love you sweet baby.

A Rainbow in February

I'm sure I've said it before but rainbows always remind me of Polly.  I've seen more of them in the past 11 months than I have in my entire life. They always seem to appear when I really need them.  When I need that reminder that although I can't see Polly or hold her or kiss her, that she is with me.  I never noticed rainbows like I do now and they are a source of warmth and peace for me.  Like God is letting me know it will be ok and that Polly is happy and with Him.  Over the past many months I've come to learn a new meaning of the word "rainbow".  To those who have lost a baby it is what they call the baby they are blessed with after their loss....a rainbow baby.  I am blessed to say that Polly is going to be a big sister and we are expecting our own rainbow baby in February.  :)  We are happy and worried, thankful yet fearful.  A mixture of emotions is what best describes us right now as we pray for our second child and grieve for our first.  Pregnancy is hard anyways, and grieving on top of the normal challenges can make each day a struggle.  I've had to make small goals for myself, like to make it to the next appointment, or the next week of pregnancy, or even the next day.  Looking at it as a whole 9 month journey is too overwhelming.  With this rainbow, I've learned that I have focused a lot on the negative memories.  I think that is what stands out when you have been through such a terrible thing.  We did have many happy days with Polly, but sadly got bad news so often that I think that is the first thing I remember sometimes.  How it felt to watch her unable to breath when she was first born and hearing the pediatrician say he wasn't sure what was wrong and she would need to move to Savannah, and then having to go so many times into that conference room in Augusta which was usually for delivering bad news. I seem to have forgotten about some of the little joys pregnancy brings.  I've enjoyed getting to feel this baby move, which I first noticed a few weeks ago.  It is bittersweet though because I feel on edge all the time and trying to not get too attached.  I can't bear the thought of loosing another child.  But it will be impossible for us, and especially me as I carry this baby, to not get attached.  We love this blessing already.  I also find it fitting that our rainbow is due just days before the 2013 Heart & Sole event in Augusta.  Whit and I made a promise to Polly that we will as a family attend that event in her honor every year.  Last year we sold shirts to raise money to give back to the NICU who treated us like family and worked tirelessly to save our daughter.  One of the symbols important to the Heart & Sole family is a rainbow.  The 5k starts and ends under one made out of balloons, so again amazing that we are expecting our rainbow so close to such a special event.   And the idea that we could celebrate both of our children in the same week makes us smile.  So in your prayers please remember our rainbow baby.  I can honestly say I've prayed for him/her before I was even pregnant.  Please pray for a healthy baby that we will be able to bring home and also for peace in our hearts.  It is so so hard to wait and hope everything is ok.  Thank you for your support and prayers.  Love to all of you!