Monday, December 10, 2012
As Christmas gets closer I find I am missing Polly more and more. I had always had such vivid dreams of what we would do on her first Thanksgiving and Christmas and I never could have imagined she would not live long enough to enjoy those holidays. After going through one round of holidays without her you would think we would have a better grasp on things and can handle it better the second go around. I am finding it very difficult. Thanksgiving I got through but Christmas is big. Such a huge and important holiday. I should be buying gifts for a 14 month old and making those holiday memories with my tiny family. Instead we have a huge hole in our hearts. I've thought about sponsoring a child that is Polly's age each year to buy presents for, but this year I just can't do that. It is too painful to look at all of the little baby items, I've pushed most of the baby stuff out of my mind to help me cope. The holidays are going to be tough especially because both of our birthdays are around them, Whit's being before Christmas and mine shortly after. There is a lot of celebrating and we honestly can't jump into celebrations like we used to. Our hearts are so tender and sad without having our little blessing here to celebrate with. I've gone back and forth about buying a stocking for this baby, but have ultimately decided to wait since we don't have a name for her yet. I bought Polly's stocking the day before I had her, knowing exactly what she would be called and even though I had 2 months until Christmas I just had to go ahead and order it. I have 2 months left in my pregnancy and I just can't bring myself to plan ahead that far, although that isn't a lot of time. So this year we are having to do things differently just to make it through. Christmas is still my favorite time of year, but you can imagine the heartache that comes along with it. There is nothing we can do to make that pain go away, but we are trying to focus on the meaning of Christmas this year, instead of how we should divide up our gift list to our family members. I've also felt God trying to reach out to me lately. Sometimes I feel so distant, even from God, but I know it is only because I have blinders on and don't take time to listen like I used to. But I think I have just felt lost and alone but lately, one after the other, I've heard or read things that have said basically that God knows your heart and He knows your pain. He understands when others don't. And He loves me, He hasn't forgotten about us although I honestly wonder that sometimes. People get busy with their own lives and I imagine God gets busy because He is God, but I've reminded myself that God knows everything and has never left me. So just working on my faith and with the emotional rollercoaster that is missing Polly, being pregnant and praying for this child, and for the upcoming handling the Christmas season. And as far as an update on our rainbow, there really isn't much. This pregnancy has been just as uneventful as my pregnancy with Polly. I even had to do the 4 hour re-test for diabetes and passed the second go round, which also happened with Polly. We are in our third trimester now and starting to realize, which may sound silly, but that this is really happening. That our second daughter will be born in February. We are hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I am getting more attention while out in public, which I try to shy away from the chit-chat questions I get. It is hard to answer them when the person asking doesn't know where we've been, doesn't know the heartache we've dealt with, and that we have learned that just because you see someone pregnant out and about doesn't mean everything is going to work out. But I am so thankful for everything being smooth sailing, it is just eerie how similar both pregnancies have been. I pray history doesn't repeat itself and that next year we will have a child to share the holidays with. Missing Polly today and always.