Dates

Some days I just hurt so bad.  Today is one of those days.  I am just so devastated that Polly isn't here.  I can't believe this time last year we were counting down the days to meet our baby.  In fact we were about to have our last shower that sweet friends hosted for us.  It was a really happy time of excitement and anticipation.  I wish I could go back to those days.  Before our lives became so heavy with grief.  I have pinpointed that I definitely have a problem with the world continuing to turn, dates continuing to happen, celebrations being planned, etc.  Call it selfish but I sometimes just can't take how normal the world around us is and it makes it very difficult for me to do some of those normal things when for us life is so far from normal.  All I do is compare to the last time that certain date rolled around I was pregnant, or the last time I went to a wedding was right before we found out we were expecting, etc......it is just hard and there is no getting around it.  I know it can't possibly be like this forever, but it often feels like it will be.  Right now I don't want the seasons to change or the holidays to happen......of course they will and of course the world can't stop because of our tragedy, tragedies happen every day unfortunately.  But since things don't stop, only your world stops, then you have to learn to adapt to the new normal, how to handle celebrations with your grief, how to handle the holidays again with your child not here.  It is a lot to take on and I am definitely not ready.  I want to fast forward through all of the hard days which starting in October are going to come one after the other.  Dates have never been something that really stood out to me, but if they did they were usually good.  You always remember your birthday, anniversary, holidays, etc......I had one bad date, January 4th, the day after my birthday is the angelversary of my mom who died of cancer when I was 6.  That date has always been bittersweet but since I was so young I can't remember what it was like before it had meaning.  Every year on my birthday I think of her and how the next day is a special and sad date.  Now I have so many dates.  It is overwhelming to think about.  That has just been on my heart a lot....wondering how parents who have lost make it on those dates and the days leading up to them.  I know we will survive, we've made it this far, but it won't make it any easier because we have been missing Polly all year. It is just going to be hard.