I survived

So Mother's Day was yesterday and as anticipated EXTREMELY hard.  I made it through it though.  I have dreaded that day since the day Polly left us.  You can't help but not feel like a mother, you have no precious child to take with you to church and take pictures with.  Although in my heart I know I am a mother, I took care of my baby as best as I could and Whit and I tried to make the best decisions for her, just like every parent does, but the decisions we were faced with are ones that parents have nightmares about.  Yesterday was filled with many tears and prayers, but also with lots of support from caring family, friends, and especially my absolutely wonderful husband.  I know I didn't respond to all of your texts and emails, but there was really nothing I could say.  All of your words helped to lift me up though.  Every day is hard, some are worse than others and these "special" days are some of the hardest.  From the advise of our counselor and also just thinking about what is best for us, we decided to not attend the Mother's Day service at our church.  I really do hate missing it, but sometimes I can't even muster up enough stableness (if that is even a word) to handle whatever it is we are attending.  And we LOVE our church family, they are some of our prayer warriors for sure, but still I just wish I could go and be a part of the celebration like other mothers, and may be that will get easier with time but right now I just can't.  But I know people understand.  Even the commercials get to me too, especially that Mother's Day Publix commercial!  Oh my goodness I was crying so hard when I saw that.  It got to Whit too and we saw it on separate occasions.  But anyways, I am honestly glad the anxiety is over and now we have a whole year to prepare for the next one.