Emotions

I have had a tough week.  Some days I just literally do not know how to handle the emotions that I feel and strangely some days I can't even explain the emotions I feel.  Like I have to analyze every thought and then all of a sudden I realize "ok I'm angry"  or "I'm desperate".  It sounds so silly, especially seeing it written out and my emotions aren't that black and white, a mixture really but I have never in my life felt some of them so intensely to where I want to scream or sob out loud.  I just literally cannot handle how I feel.  It isn't just emotions, it is almost like I have a physical reaction and literally feel all of these jumble feelings.  Some days when things hit me or say I see something that sparks a reminder (like I need to be reminded that Polly isn't here) I literally feel like someone punches me in the stomach.  Like that terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach when something has gone terribly wrong, but yet it is constant some times.  It literally makes me feel sick.  Today one of those reminders was hearing a baby cry in a car next to me while I was getting gas.  I never heard Polly cry, she never made a sound.  I think I heard a squeak as they lifted her off of my stomach right after she was born, but that was it.  No sound ever came out of her mouth, even the few times I saw her cry.  I go back and play those moments in the NICU, where one second we would be rejoicing in a "good day" and the next I would have huge crocodile tears plopping onto the yellow garment you had to wear at the bedside.  But I was told that many of those emotions I felt then were also hormones.  To be honest I couldn't tell what was hormones and what was the stress and fear of never bringing Polly home.  Hormones was an easy blame then, but I don't think I can say that now, almost 8 months later.  I do struggle, daily, sometimes hourly, to handle the path God has for my life.  I felt so sure the dreams in my head and the plans I had for Polly were the best ones.  God had another purpose for her life, one I am sure much bigger than mine.  Now trying to make it out in the "real world" I feel like I am in constant survival mode.  I have no control of my tears most days.  And then I struggle to even identify these new feelings that take over everything.  Like I can't concentrate on anything else.  May be I am still struggling with the terrible reality that my sweet baby is in Heaven and I realize so many things I am missing out on.  And sometimes it just hits me.  This is my life now.  I am living with the hope and faith I will see Polly again.  And may be in Heaven I will get the opportunity to raise her and see her in perfect health, both things on Earth that are not possible.  So I struggle, with the reality of all of this, with the emotions that make me feel physically ill, and with all the Why questions I ask God all the time.  I know I would never understand even if He could tell me now.  I ask out of desperation and through my tears to please continue to remember Whit and I in your prayers.  We need them like we need air.  Love to you all!