8 Months

Yesterday was Polly's 8 month birthday and 7 month angel-versary.  Every month you would think the 11th would get easier and it is the opposite.  It is like time is fast and slow at the same time.  I feel like it was ages ago when I held Polly last, or kissed her lips one last time before her nurse (and our dear friend) Carmen took her from Whit's arms.  I loved kissing her lips.  It was something I didn't get to do until after she passed, she always had some tube for the ventilator in her mouth.  Every night when I kiss her little box I imagine it is her sweet, tiny lips and I try desperately to hold on to that memory.  I would literally give my arm to be able to do that again.  Every 11th I am just reminded of how much time as gone by, which feels like decades to me, and I remember what I was doing this time last year.  This time last year I was more than half way along, and had my first baby shower and was making plans for others.  We had also picked out her name because I didn't want to call her "baby" but by the name we would call her the rest of her life.  I remember assuming the delivery would be the scariest part of all of this.  Everything was so normal and things are just so different now.  All the babies expected that would have been the same age are all here now, thankfully.  But for us, we are still in this limbo, still waiting.  Still walking through the valley that we wish we were not in.   It is hard to go about your day like everything is normal when such a huge and literal piece of me is not here and will never be here again.  I just feel lost.  I feel like this is not recoverable, but yet Whit and I are still here......"making it", although it sucks.  Every day is a struggle, though some are not as bad as others.  I feel like we will forever be the parents who lost their child and that no one gets us.  I don't even get myself sometimes.  I feel like I can't bring anything to the table and that I can't give back.  I just don't have the energy and all of my relationships are complete one-way streets right now.  Grief is so very draining and emotional.  I don't think I could ever explain it appropriately with words.  I find myself desperately looking for signs from God that He is still there too.  I know He is.....God doesn't leave you, but when you are in such an intense situation, knowing you are about to loose everything, things change.  I know we were blessed to feel God as strongly as we did when Polly was here and especially the day He took her back.  I don't think the average person gets to experience God so intensely while on Earth, so I do feel blessed in a way.  I feel God has to give me such literal signs to get my attention though.  I know the issue isn't that He isn't here or He is "busy", but it is me having blinders on.  Anything I can think of as a sign I will take it, and I notice if I look a little harder, pay a little more attention, I will see those signs.  I saw Polly's name in the credits of a tv show last night, which stood out since her name isn't a common one.  Or a song will come on the radio, one that we heard in Augusta a bunch, or even when I have been crying in despair by myself the room has suddenly filled with sunlight.  Rainbows are also a big one too.  I recently saw the most beautiful one when I was crying so hard, I was having trouble catching my breath.  It was a double rainbow, a big bright vivid one and a tiny less bright one next to it.  I immediately thought of Jesus and Polly.  They were with me like they always are.  Those signs help me tremendously.  I really rely on them to give me a boost.  I sometimes wonder if God gets frustrated with how much I need to see these signs.  I'm sure I am making it harder than it has to be, but I hope He keeps it up.  :)  As always thank you all for being there for Whit and I.  I know God has placed each of you in our lives to help lift us up.  Miss you so much Polly.