Fears

I realized the other day that I don't really remember what life was like before Polly.  I have to sit and think really hard to put myself back in situations in the past that I thought was the most stressful thing ever, or scariest moment ever, or something I worried about.  In all of those examples, there was something that happened that ended the stress and then things went back to normal.  For example, if I had a deadline for work and trying very hard to finish in time, you would feel stress and then when the deadline hits, everything is done, you can have a sigh of relief and go back to feeling normal, without this constant stress that kept you up at night, made you loose your appetite, or took over all your thoughts for the time being.  I feel like grief is stress and sadness all rolled up in one.  Except I don't get a break from it.  Polly won't miraculously appear in her crib one day and we are all better.  Instead we have to learn to deal with this constant stress that won't seem to go away or ease up.  I have noticed in many ways I have gotten used to it.  Used to the feeling like a heavy weight is pushing on my chest or my throat tightens because I am about to cry.  Those feeling don't take me by surprise anymore and don't go away, but I've felt them for so long, we both have, that they have become sadly for us "normal".  So in an attempt to have that stressful feeling go away for a few minutes, I try to go back to happy memories and what I felt then.  I can't feel that way anymore, or atleast not now, may be those feelings will return one day, but I try to remember what being stress-less felt like.  Like the day we found out we were pregnant with Polly.  We were starting a family and were so excited!  The weeks went on with the normal doctor visits and sonograms, finding out what we are having, deciding a name, registering.....we got caught up in it all.  We were about to join this wonderful club of parents that we had eagerly wanted to be included in, but for now we were outsiders.  Only our story didn't end up like everyone else's did.  We are still in shock as to how you can go through a pregnancy with no indication of something being wrong, or something would not function normally.  And to be honest, I always worried something was wrong.  When I look back at those memories, when I was a naive first time expectant mom, they were happy but in the back of my mind I always worried.  It really bothered me actually.  I imagine every pregnancy carries its worries, you hold your breath until you hear good news at each appointment.  That is how it was for me and appointment after appointment I was assured things looked good.  Everything was there with the appropriate size, shape, etc.  I have had people tell me since Polly passed that they thought it was odd when I would say something like "pray we have a healthy baby in October!".  I didn't realize it but that was my worry and fear showing.  I would think I was silly and tell myself "the doctor said everything is fine, no need to worry, why am i worrying????".  The day I went to be checked into the hospital I was doing some last minute things around the house.  I decided to look and see if the matching Pottery Barn Christmas stocking that we both have was on sale.  I knew it would be getting closer to Christmas so was just waiting to purchase one for Polly.  Well it was!  So I put the monogrammed "Polly" order in and bought it, knowing it would be here when we were back from the hospital.  Literally as soon as I ordered it I felt this dread come over me and I thought to myself "I hope I am not jumping the gun here.  I hope Polly gets to use it".  I was so shocked I thought that, here I was within hours of going to the hospital and I am worrying something will go wrong.  Again I think most moms worry and that is normal, but the way I worried was not.  It shouldn't have bothered me this much but I assumed I was being anxious and told myself things would be fine.  I truly feel that was God trying to prepare me in a way.  For me not to get my hopes up too much or for me to always be on guard.  I was never able to 100% be carefree about any part of my pregnancy.  Something always made me fearful in my mind.  I never thought those worries of mine were a little odd until I have had people mention that they thought it was weird I would say that.  I think I had to prove to myself that I could carry and deliver a healthy baby like everyone else and for some reason I stressed about this not happening for us.  When we got back from Augusta, it was so sad to walk into our house feeling broken and defeated with Polly's ashes in my arms.  This isn't how this was suppose to happen.  Our struggles were suppose to be as new parents with sleep schedules, feedings, and late nights.  Not with these terrible struggles now facing us.  Among the month-stack of cards and bills were packages with gifts that were sent lovingly to us in assumption we would bring a baby home like everyone else.  And there in the middle was the Pottery Barn box, with Polly's perfect Christmas stocking in it.  It matched ours exactly.  My fears were a reality now.  But we put her stocking up like we will every year, in an attempt to include her in our lives as much as possible.  So we struggle, with our fear, our sadness, and our grief, but some how we continue to make it.