Late Night

I am having trouble sleeping tonight and thought may be if I write that would help.  I have been thinking alot about all the "firsts" that have really made this journey such a struggle.  There are so many things you anticipate but so much more that you don't.  I can't believe we've gone through a Thanksgiving, Christmas, both of our birthdays, New Years, our anniversary, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and Father's Day all without our sweet baby.  On top of that every 11th is so emotionally draining for me.  I can't believe so much time as past but yet it is no time at all.  You would also think by now things would be "better", but they are not.  One ACD mom in the group we are a part of asked "Does it ever get better?" and I read as numerous parents chimed in with the same basic response, that it never gets better you only become used to the pain.  Some of these parents had lost a child in the last year, others 5-10 years, but they all echoed that same answer.  Although we are not very far down our path, I can see what they mean.  I have gotten a little used to the grief, but it is still there.  Still a part of me.  Sometimes I hate this new "normal", but I can't 100% hate it because having Polly in my life, even though she was here for such a short time, meant so much, I am thankful to have experienced that rather than never being blessed with her at all.  I worry about her first birthday and angel-versary.  Although they are 4-5 months away I know those dates are coming.   I imagined throwing her birthday party, making her a homemade cake for her to dig in to, and also busying myself with making it very special.  Now I am not sure what to do.  I have some ideas, but find myself struggling with worry of how we will handle those dates, and the month in between.  The months of October and November have a completely different meaning now.  Those words are almost hard for me to look at.  I know we will make it, but it won't be easy.  Usually the firsts you experience after you become parents are joyous ones, but for us they are so very painful.  Each one is another painful reminder of how different our lives are without our daughter here.  How quiet our house is.  How lonely nights like this are when you can't sleep.  How much we miss her with every piece of our heart and soul.  It just hurts, there is no getting around it.  So I make tiny goals for myself, all I have to do is make it to tomorrow.  That seems to help.  Making it for the week or the month or the year is just too overwhelming of a thought.  Small steps are the key I think.  Anyways bless you who take the time to read this and pray for us.  Love you sweet Polly.  Hope to see you in my dreams!