Sweet Polly would have been 6 months old on the 11th this month. It is so weird to look at our lives and realize how different things are. Whit and I both knew that 2012 would be a different year for us with our little family but each milestone makes it so clear how different our changes are from other new parents. Whit and I consider ourselves parents. It is a hard question to answer when we are asked how many children we have. We have a daughter although she is not with us, she was here on this Earth for a short amount of time and she will forever be a part of our family. Only 18 friends/family were able to meet her. She has a Christmas stocking, an Easter basket, and a has a nursery.....all unused. It is just so different from a parent who has their baby with them. I would imagine those parents wouldn't think twice about that question, but for us it is one that allows us to talk about Polly but also brings sadness. You don't want the looks of pity or to make the person feel bad, but at the same time you do want them to know about your child. Polly will always be included in the number of children we have. A fellow mother of loss told me that it is hard to answer that question and it seems that no matter how you answer that question, whether you say "I have 1, she is in heaven" or "We have no children", you always seem to wish you answered the question the other way. I honestly don't ever remember being asked how many kids we have until after we had Polly. We probably were asked that but just never really paid attention. It was an easy answer that I didn't think twice about.
I have also become painfully aware with how I cannot relate to other new moms. While I can relate with the pregnancy part, having gone through a pregnancy with Polly to term, but as soon as the baby is born crying and healthy, the relation I have is not there. Sometimes when I hear others talk about their experience I realize how different mine has been. And it isn't that I don't want to hear about their experience, but it still catches me off guard when topics are discussed that I can not really relate too. Everything from breast feeding to surviving on little sleep. I pumped and know what that is like, but that is about it. I never breastfed, never got the opportunity to even feed Polly a bottle. She had to be off ECMO to have my milk and then it was given to her through a tube in her nose. I can understand lack of sleep also, but not in the traditional sense of having a baby not on a schedule. I had lack of sleep from the stress of worrying if Polly would make it, when she would come off ECMO, what would happen to her little body as a complication to all of her invasive treatments. Some of the realizations from being around other babies really catch me by surprise. My sweet nephew was born in January and we went to see him at the hospital. He was crying when I saw him and I suddenly realized, which sounds silly, that newborns cry. I was overwhelmed with the realization that I never experienced Polly cry. When she was born she was limp and gasping for air. I heard something that sounded like a squeak as they moved her to the bassinet to clean her up and that was it. You could see her trying to cry, but no sound came out. I have been around babies and know they indeed cry, but it was something I guess I forgot about. And then realize that is yet another "normal" thing that we missed out on. It just hurts my heart to think about those things. So even though I expect certain things with being around new parents/babies, things still surprise me. Another example is how we received her birth certificate and death certificate around the same time. That is just not normal. They are side by side in our files. Along with her 500+ pages of medical records. Again, just another thing that most parents don't have to deal with. It is hard being different. I would have loved to just been another little happy family starting out, blinded by all the risks that pregnancy and delivery can bring. Loosing our baby has really matured us a lot.
For those that are reading this, I am so sorry if everything I write seems really sad. I guess I am that....sad. I do have happy moments, I have honestly laughed at jokes or had a smile on my face, but to copy what another mom has said which puts my feelings into words, it is like you can smile in pictures and been genuinely happy, but the sparkle has gone from our eyes. Loosing your child changes you, you have experienced the worst unexpected loss imaginable. My sparkle is gone, but I know there will be happy moments in my life again. And I can put an honest smile on my face or cry happy tears when I think of that glorious reunion Whit and I will have with Polly when we are all in Heaven. And I think that is how we get through this, because we know and believe 100% we will see our sweet baby again, and hopefully get the opportunity to raise and take care of her, like every parent wants to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment