So this is my attempt at a blog. The idea of it was honestly overwhelming to me. Where do I start? What do I say? I know having a blog isn't difficult, but for me even the smallest things that take the tiniest amount of effort can overwhelm me. I am hoping this blog will help me to collect my thoughts and try and learn from what God is teaching me. It is so easy to get overwhelmed in life, I think if I can see everything written down then I can actually take something from it. So for anyone who is actually taking the time to read any of this, sorry if I am not the best "blogger".....I'm learning as I go. :)
With each passing month, things get easier and yet harder. Its kind of weird. It is almost as if I finally get used to the month, the holidays that are in it, the season that goes with it and then it changes. Like I can't keep up with all the changes going on in my life. Polly would have been 6 months old this month. I still cannot believe that she is gone and this is the life I have, being categorized as a childless parent. I cannot even begin to fathom the many things I will never get to experience with her. I wonder what she would have been like now. What cute things she would have done. How much more she would have captured our hearts after the 1 month we had her. How big would she be? Would all of her hair be red by now? Would her eyes have changed color? Which toys would have been her favorite? I just have so many questions. I wish I had more time to get to know her and watch her grow. But for now all I can do to feel close to her is to talk to her, sit in her room, look through her keepsakes, and kiss her pictures. I just miss her, may be more now than before. Last year it seemed like any holiday or special occasion I would think that next year Polly would get to be a part of it. Like Easter for instance, I LOVE Easter! It is such an incredible holiday for so many reasons. I love the meaning behind it and how it is in the spring when things are reborn and renewed. I also love that there seems to be an endless list of things to do for Easter with children. Everything from teaching them about Jesus and why we celebrate Easter, to egg decorating and hunting, and feasting with family. You dress your little ones in cute colorful outfits especially picked out to be their "easter outfit". I had so many plans of making memories with our little family. Polly I know was going to love cooking like me, so I pictured us decorating Easter cookies with her, despite the fact she would be too young to really take part in it. It didn't matter, I'd make those memories. So this Easter, it is hard for me to really do anything. It is hard to celebrate. This holiday is still special to me, and always will be. But for me there is one tiny Easter basket missing. I can say the same about any holiday really, but Easter was one of those daydreams I had before Polly was born. Along with Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgiving, really any special day. Polly changed everything, and I am forever changed because of her. I just miss my sweet baby. Every single day.
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