I have a pile of grief books by my bed that I have skimmed through. Most have been very helpful and in one I read of a mother who had experienced loss and she said in the beginning you just have to "fake it to make it". That really stuck with me because I realized that is basically how I get through the day. I mentioned what I read to Whit and he agreed that he does that a lot too. You just have to. Sure we have really laughed or smiled about something. But overall to get through the day we have to just survive and that motto is really how we have been doing it. I feel like I am a different person now. I know having children changes you, but our change has been different. I feel like there is an "old Hayley" and now a "new Hayley" with the change happening as soon as Polly came into our lives and was so quickly taken away. This experience was what one friend called "very maturing" for us. We no longer assume a normal, uneventful pregnancy is rewarded with a healthy baby you get to take home. Our faith in many ways has been shaken. But that doesn't mean we believe less, just we are more cautious, if that is the correct word to use. I have looked at pictures of myself before we had Polly and since she went to Heaven and I just feel like I look different. Like the changes have affected me physically. Even our wedding photos I look at the old Hayley and just think "she had no idea what was in store for her". Whit and I just assumed when we were ready we would start a family and that would be that. Of course there are risks in pregnancy and we were aware of that, but you just never ever expect something as terrible as this, and you definitely never expect your child to be the one it happens too.
Whit and I have been blessed to not only have our supportive friends and family stick by us, help us, cry with us, and hold us, but we have been so fortunate to have meet so many new friends because of our daughter. These new friends have also experienced first hand the grief of loss and encourage us as we are still in the beginning stages of our journey. We have learned that many have felt how we do and that we are not alone and our feelings are normal. That has been such a comfort because many times we feel like no one understands. Grief makes you feel so isolated from everyone else. But we are so thankful for the people who have stuck by us. We may not have called you back yet, or responded to your email or card, but we have felt all the love that has been sent to us. In many ways the 6th month has been the hardest on this journey. To know half of a year has gone by since Polly was with us, since we felt the excitement and anticipation of being parents. That is such a long time but also no time at all. And without our faith in God, our belief that we would see Polly again restored to perfectness, and the support of those who love us, we would not be able to make it......or for now fake it to make it.
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